Before I went on holiday I had a lengthy email conversation with some bloggers about waxing. I have never had anything waxed and knew that one or more of them definitely had. I wanted to know whether I should do a home wax or go to a salon. OR just not bother.
One blogger confessed “I let my husband assist me with a home wax once which nearly ended in divorce.” Another announced “I am the Queen of the Lady Garden. It FUCKING hurts.” Later someone else piped up with “Think I’ll stick to doing my own fanjeeta, I don’t want to discuss arse hair with *anyone*”
Wondering what arse hair had to do with it I put the wax strips I had bought back in the cupboard. I decided that I would not be getting anything waxed any time soon and, using hair removal cream, sorted myself out.
With a trip to Florida looming next week it has become apparent that I could do with some attention again.
This morning I decided that if I had endured the pain of birth twice then I could cope with a bit of waxing. Out came the ‘EASY TO USE’ wax strips.
After reading the instructions carefully especially the part which read ‘IMPORTANT: Warm the wax strips before use by rubbing them between your hands’ I decided to hold the strip against the radiator. What an excellent idea.
I peeled the, by now very warm, strip and applied it ‘firmly’. I held my skin taut, shut my eyes, gritted my teeth and yanked …. HARD. It really didn’t hurt, this was going to be easy. As I looked down I realised why. The wax was so warm that it just clung to my skin and stayed put. I reapplied the strip twice more in the hope that it would magically remove the wax … not add more.
In mild panic I read the instructions again more thoroughly. This is when I read the bit which said ‘In very hot weather the strip should be cooled in the refrigerator before use’. Shit, shit and triple shit. I imagine that point applies to someone holding the wax strip against a tropically hot radiator too.
Throwing caution to the wind and with one side of my lady garden covered in bright green wax I decided, for reasons unknown, to try the other side, but without the radiator method.
It turns out it was no better.
With either side of my lady garden covered in green wax I decided to read on.
‘If the wax sticks to the skin, re-apply strip repeatedly until all excess wax is removed. Small amounts of wax can be removed with baby oil. DO NOT REMOVE WITH WATER’
No mention of what to do if all of the wax becomes stuck to the skin and will not come off with the re-application of the strip. No mention of what to do if you have no baby oil.
I wrapped a towel around myself and adopted the John Wayne walk. The John Wayne walk was effective in that it stopped anything sticking together that should NEVER be stuck together. It also confused the 4 year old and the Teenager who were unaware of the waxing catastrophe that I was enduring.
I went downstairs and grabbed the next best thing to baby oil … olive oil.
Ensconced back in the bathroom I applied olive oil to my nethers and then wondered what to do. Grabbing some cotton wool I tried to remove the olive oil/wax combination which only gave the effect of a two tone Father Christmas beard. Good God.
After more application of olive oil, a lot of muttering, some shower gel and a bloody good scrub in the shower I was free of most of the wax. I was also a funny pink colour and still hairy.
Two hours later, as I type this, I am aware that my knickers are sticking to my skin and may need to be removed with force tonight … hopefully taking the hair with them.
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30 Comments
Oh no, snort, weeps…snort….been there, stuck to every known fibre to man, got the ‘Crap Waxer’ T shirt.
AWful, poor you.
Next year just stick with shorts and let the lady garden grow wild 😉
Holy shit. DON’T EVER ATTEMPT IT AT HOME.
Always use a professional. The weirdos who like looking at women’s vags’ all day.
At-home waxing always ends in disaster. I once managed to get halfway through before giving up, and was in so much pain that I couldn’t even shave the remaining bits–and then went to the gynecologist for my annual exam.
A few years ago, this made the email rounds here in the US-
http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/humor-comedy/now-very-funny-waxing-story-read-43859.html
The ultimate cautionary tale, no?
I so sympathise. Hilarious. How is it all going (she says through slightly gritted teeth) Lx
Oh god I feel your sticky pain. I had the exact same thing a few weeks ago only I think i continued to reapply the strip too much as had bruised bits for days.
The only place for that waxing kit was the bin!
Oh Laura! Im sorry but this is hilarious 🙂
This is why I get my waxing done by my beautician now, was too messy to try at home and too difficult.
I go on holiday next Friday and I’m going to be at the beauticians on Saturday to get waxed to within an inch of my life…but also a mani and pedi so it makes up for it lol
It really isnt bad after the first few times i swear, the hairs become weaker and pull out easier, infact most of them dont grow back, i have *lovely* bald patches on my legs where hair has given up growing for fear of being pulled out again.
xxx
I am rolling on the floor and wetting my pants laughing! I have these images of a funny looking green and hairy father Christmas doing the John Wayne walk in my head and it is hilarious. For sure I will still giggle tomorrow and that’s great. I just hope nobody will ask me why!…
That made me laugh – so not tempted to ever every give that a try
I know I shouldnt laugh but that story was hillarious.
You really made my day thank you!
I hope all is well now!
So funny, thanku for brightening my day!
I quickly came to the conclusion it’s too tricky and painful to do yourself and used to go to salons to get a wax.
Then, about a year ago, I started having laser treatment, I was attracted by the idea of being permanently hair free. You think waxing was painful (although I didn’t find it too bad), this is in another league! However no pain, no gain. I went 4 times, just about managing to cope but the last time so unbelievably painful (like someone sticking hot needles into my skin) I haven’t been back since and I simply can’t pluck up the courage to go again.
Oh god, that sounds terrible! You’ve made me laugh though, so thanks for that, Laura! As soon as I read the words “olive oil” I’ll admit to sucking my teeth a little. Good luck with your lady garden, I hope it works out alright! x
Oh my god. You’ve got me laughing, crying and snorting my coffee for you. Only had one professional wax in my lifetime — I was 18, it hurt like hell and have never gone back preferring to do a bodge job at home.
PS Never seen green wax before? Wondering was it an earthy, organic home kit?
I am crying with laughter. Here’s hoping pulling your pants off does the trick.
Dear God woman – what on earth were you thinking?? Go to the best beauty salon you can find and insist on hot wax. The pain is bearable and the results are worth it.
And get those home-strip things and put them straight in the bin. Veet has got a lot to answer for.
Ouf! I feel your pain. They never quite put all that on the ads, do they?
*ouch* 😉
(That’s all I wanted to type, but I was bossily informed my comment was too short.)
OK I just laughed until I snorted more than I would like and then upon Father Christmas lady garden images until I started to choke. The best laugh I have had in ages, thank you. Home waxing should be reserved for legs only. Go to a salon and you will be done in 5 minutes and it won’t hurt that much. A few painkillers before you go and you will be fine! Good Luck 😀
ha ha ha ha ha – have read so many similar experiences… I’ll stick to some slight trimming and a razor thank you very much 😀
Oh. My. God.
That is all.
Oh this is wonderful & as Paula says such a great way to start the day!!
I knew there was a reason I had never, ever submitted to the waxing of them regions. Eyebrows were bad enough.
Wondering whether the wax was green for a reason?
x
OMG I can’t believe you tried to do it yourself!!!!! YOU ARE INSANE!!!!!
Go get a Brazilian bit of pain and lots of fun after, well for your husband anyway.
Fabulous post!
I too tried wax strips and they didn”t stick at all. Have reverted to good old shaver as can’t contemplate idea of stranger in salon looking at my bits, despite how many she’s had to look at before. I blame a Catholic upbringing!
I’ve bruised myself doing home wax – I let the professionals handle it now. I don’t understand why people are so nervous going to the beauticians, they do have one themselves. And you’ve got to realise that yours will never ever be the worst one they’ve seen.
Oh ow! The two tone Father Christmas beard comment really made me laugh. Women who wax must be seriously tough. You’re a brave woman and thanks for a big laugh on Monday morning.
I would like to lay claim to the ‘it fucking hurts’ comment. I’m going this morning – wish me luck.
PS: you crack me up, lady..
Still laughing!!! Too funny, that. But poor you!
(You should have asked me – I would have told you not to start that kind of thing on your own.)
Still laughing…
Good god woman! I think I’ll stick to shaving….or removal cream. My fanjeeta hurts just thinking about it.
What a great way to start my day – thanks for that! I am shaking with laughter now at your John Wayne walk.
I have those ‘easy-to-use’ strips, except mine are pink. They’ve been in my bottom drawer (no, that’s not a euphemism) for about 6 months now – you’re a braver woman than me.
Pxx