I have worn magic pants once before, the ones that cover your belly and stop at your bum, like normal pants. Unfortunately this meant that my excess fattage popped out and I looked like I had four bottom cheeks instead of two. That is why I only wore them once.
The ones I bought yesterday at a boutique in the village start below your bra and go to the knee. The woman in the shop told me that I would work up a sweat putting them on and that it would be wise to try them on a couple of times so that they have a bit of ‘give’. “I’m going out in 2 hours” I told her. She also told me they had a cotton gusset, I told her that the word gusset makes my ears bleed.
They really are very unattractive; I certainly wouldn’t recommend wearing them if you are considering any sort of romantic interlude. I imagine that unveiling your magic pants in the early stages of a relationship would make the object of your affections recoil in horror; though having been with the husband for nine years it wasn’t anything I needed to worry about. In fact I wondered if I should ask for his assistance in shoving me into them.
When I put them on the 3 year old came into the room, stopped dead in his tracks and asked what I was wearing. I told him. He poked the pants suspiciously and then wandered off mumbling to himself …. ‘Magic?’. I imagine that being three is confusing enough not to have to deal with your Mum’s pants having magical powers.
They worked a treat; I wore leggings for the first time in 20 years and a dress top. I was vacuum packed to within an inch of my life and it felt good.
Once out for my birthday celebrations I was pleased to get comments on my outfit rather than being asked if I was 6 months pregnant. The drinking commenced and I held out for as long as possible before going for a wee. In the cubicle I fought to get the magic pants down and I must admit I may have sworn a little. Of course once I’d had my first wee I then needed one every 20 minutes, so is the law of ‘drinking bladder’. At one point when I was well on my way to feeling particularly merry, I actually considered just peeing through the magic pants. I reckon four more vodka’s and my consideration would have become a reality.
I am now investigating whether anyone has patent pending on a pair of magic pants with an inbuilt colostomy bag. I’m sure Theo Paphitis from Dragon’s Den would be more than happy to invest his childrens inheritance in my new ‘Magic Bladder Pants’.
51 Comments on "Vacuum packed to within an inch of my life …"
Magic pants needs to be mandatory when you leave the hospital with a baby. Just gave birth? Here is your baby and magic pants. Perfect!
Except for the peeing part. But I’m sure some clever tot can resolve that issue for us.
I really could do with a pair of those, well the peeing thing does not sound so good.
Made me laugh just the thought of them he he
There is nothing wrong with the word gusset. Reminds me of one of the v few times I ever smoked dodgy cigarettes.Me and my friend Jackie just kept saying gusset over and over and creasing up. Rock and roll! Anyway in my day they were called a pantygiedle. Shamon M***********
Crotchless magic pants. Priceless. I can go to sleep happy now.
I know, if the last thing I ever learn that there are crotchless magic pants I’ll be happy.
I can feel my children’s writer muscle twitching! Mommy and the Magic Pants – desensitize your toddler now!
I’m writing it already, it won’t be a picture book.
OOh, I am always looking for something that really works. It seems when I try to wear something to slim me down, it makes me look fatter than I already am or brings it all to the top of the garment. Not good! I think I might have to look for these Magic Pants! My little girl would just laugh at me.
They are good Amy … and yes, no excess fattage, it’s all contained.
Ha! How I laughed – especially the gusset making your ears bleed.
Very good post RMXX
Gusset is an awful word … up there with moist.
Ha ha brilliant – not something for the divorced mother of three though – I would NEVER get a boyfriend as would pull a muscle or burst a blood vessel trying to get them off!. Lx
I was SO very drunk that I can’t remember getting them off which was marvelous.
I have a pair of the magic split pants, which I have to wear with undies cos well you know
and I did forget about them at a family wedding… alll I am saying!
Where did you get them and what are they called. I need some!
That is why Spanx are awesome, they are crouch-less. So once you get in, you don’t have to get out for anything.
Now this sounds like what I’m looking for! Do they do a full body Spanx, I’d wear it FOREVER
i have a strapless body shaper thing from m&s it also requires a bit of tugging to get it on but it is the best thing i have ever bought! It smooths out the baby belly and it has poppers ‘down there’ for a quick exit to the loo. Although after too much wine it is a bit difficult, i have banged off the cubical walls before lol! x
Poppers .. genius!
Hee hee this made me laugh sooo much! I wore control knickers to my Dad’s funeral (Mum said I had to look my best and bought them for me… we’re an odd family) and they were hugely uncomfortable! I think in my case the fat just splurged out from above the waist as they were more knicker like than leotard!
By the way I just got an email from Mothercare that says you’re one of the top 20 Mummy Bloggers so you might get some new readers!
Mel xxx
The fat splurging happened when I wore the knicker version … it wasn’t a good look!
I love the idea of ‘magic pants’ but I’m just not sure I can be bothered to sweat my ass off getting in them…not an attractive look for me when I’m beetroot red before I even start drinking!
It wasn’t that bad actually, it was more the getting everything in and then it was fine.
LOL! I have a pair of those and they are magic – until I need to go pee!
Yes, I imagined Paul Daniels appearing as I left the cubicle shouting ‘That’s magic’ … she’s actually managed to pee
I saw a device in the camping shop called a “She-wee” which allows us girls to pee standing up , perhaps you could cut a hole in the “gusset” and use the “she-wee” through the opening?
That sounds like the most plausable solution so far. I could do with one of those for camping anyways!
I’ve got ones with the split bottom, which seems like a good idea as no wrestling them on and off in the loo. Only problem, is that it’s really hard to wee through the split bottom without getting a bit of wee on the pants. You then reenter the party smelling faintly of wee. Which is usually not a good idea.
Smelling like an old peoples home is probably not best on your birthday night out.
If my kids found out I was wearing something called ‘magic pants’ they’d be telling everybody.
“Guess what? My mom’s pants are MAGIC!”
“Did you know my mom has MAGIC pants on?”
etc…
I’m sure it would be very embarrassing. And also hilarious.
Luckily they weren’t with me or they would have definitely embarrassed me!
Pants! to that though, let it all hang out in a comfortable manner, 20 minutes in the loo is 20 minutes valuable drinking time….
The imagery did make me laugh!
I didn’t think of it like that
Oh – better comment, sorry – I bet the three year old was wondering if the Magic Pants would help you to be able to magic juice out of your bottom, now!
http://www.arewenearlythereyetmummy.com/a-petrol-station-a-carwash-and-a-non-magical-bottom/
There, I feel much better now. You may proceed.
Or maybe some kind of larger, dare I say “fishnet”, weave for that area, so you would feel covered up, but that you could effectively blast thru?
I don’t know what you think I get up to in the toilet but I am a lady … no blasting takes place. Ahem
Damn you, your description of magic pants is so much more amusing than mine.
It was an amusing evening!
OOh, I’m loving WM’s ‘flap’ idea, BTW. She should patent that double quick!!
haha the ‘law of drinking bladder’ – so true!
Well the main thing is that they worked, which means I now have to go and bag myself a pair for the big day. And no, before you ask, I have absolutely no chance of getting lucky as we’re sharing the honeymoon suite with the children!
I wonder if they do Magic Wedding Pants?
Have you come across the ones with a split in the crotch?! No yanking them on and off to go to the loo! I’ve got some and I’ve worn them once. They’re a bit weird but have a great effect (as long as no-one sees under your clothes!).
They sound like the sort you’d have to buy in an ‘adult’ shop. Sounds like just what I needed on Saturday though
scary!
award for you at mine. x
Thank you! I can’t find it though, am I being slow?
Heheee! It’s the working a sweat up just to get them on that’d do for me. I’d be ruined for the rest of the night!
I think, given their magical powers, at least Mr Paphitis would not be able to break the ‘Magic Bladder Pants’.
If they were ‘full’ and he broke them it could get messy!
Ooo, I’m a little bit tempted to get some myself. Easier than Step Aerobics and Body Combat? How about a little flap with buttons (like those ‘bodies’ of the 90′s)?
See, a flap with buttons could be dangerous … I’m not sure I’d have been able to do the buttons up again
Very funny … I usually end up taking mine off in the loo!
I’m not sure I’d have been capable of removing them in the toilet cubicle!