All my activity at Go Ape seems to have reactivated an old back injury, so yesterday I visited the osteopath.
I last visited an osteopath ten years ago who asked me to strip down to my pants and bra, which made me instantly suspicious. He rubbed my back and I was out in 30 minutes. I remember thinking ‘thank f*ck I shaved my legs’ and not feeling any better when I left. I never returned.
Today was no different in the stripping department, I was so grateful for big pants. This osteopath was passionate about his work, throughout my 55 minute appointment he told me in detail what he was doing and why. Unfortunately this fell on deaf ears as all I could think about was my wobbly thighs … wobbling and my jelly belly … rippling as he manipulated me.
At one point he asked if I’d received the introduction letter telling me what to expect during the session. ‘Did he not like my big pants?’ I thought, or ‘Maybe it’s because my big black pants don’t match my big white, but graying, bra?’. Although I had shaved my legs I certainly wasn’t going to be wearing my ‘best/lacy/push me up/crotchless’ underwear for such an appointment. I jest about the crotchless variety of underwear of course. Actually, I don’t think I own any lacy push me up underwear either.
He waggled my legs lots and did some hip thrusting (his not mine). He was sure to always avert his eyes away from my pants and bra areas and was keen to make sure I wasn’t uncomfortable whilst he contorted me into strange shapes to ‘pop’ my back. At one point I thought if he moved me another inch I would be so compressed that I would fart meaning I could never return due to the shame.
As he asked me to curl into a ball on his work table and started fiddling with my spine whilst thrusting his hips to keep my legs moving I wondered what my husband would have thought had he burst into the room at that moment, then I remembered that approximately a year ago my husband was laid on this same table being thrust at in the same manner.
Err, reading this back I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you suggested I report the osteopath to the Bureau of Osteopathic Perversion but it was all above board … just very intimate and extremely thorough.
The upshot is that I now know how to sit in a chair properly, I have a realigned pelvis and I can walk without looking like I’ve crapped myself.
I have to go back next week. I shall be wearing REALLY big pants and a bra that starts at my chin and sweeps down to my knees. Yes, I am aware that no such thing exists but I shall whittle one together this week … all in the sake of dignity.
19 Comments on "Thank f*ck I shaved my legs"
I have a friend who is an osteopath who confessed when very drunk that he loves white bras and big knickers – beware!! ha ha ha – I hope it’s not the same guy
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I once… upon a disposable income…went regularly to a cowboy acupuncturist. I say cowboy because he promised to make me pregnant in a short number of £50 a time sessions. And didn’t.
Anyway he used to stick pins in my head, feet and sometimes tummy. But he always asked me to strip down to my underwear, which desperate to get knocked up, I did. It was only around twelve sessions in and (cough) £600 down did I realise he could have still got his over-priced useless needles stuck in, if I’d removed my socks and rolled up my top.
Following this bombshell I stopped going and put my cash in IVF instead – which all took place in a hospital with nurses and proper trained people who are qualified to ask me to expose my own big pants and non-matching non-wonder-bra. And that was much, much better!
‘and I can walk without looking like I’ve crapped myself’.
I nearly snorted my tea at that!
Great story!
That’s SO funny – especially the ‘almost farting’ incident! How about a tankini for your next appointment?!
Please stop… I’m laughing so much it hurts…. and if I put my back out, Im not going to see anyone after that!!!!
I have to strip off but get to wear one of those paper gown things that don’t actually cover anything. Also get curled up in a ball while he thrusts hips as me. It is deeply embarrassing, but he’s seen me 9 months pregnant, so it can’t be any worse than that. And it works, which is what makes me keep going back. I have to be in a heck of a lot of discomfort before I pluck up courage though!
This is some very funny shiiite! Do you all have to strip down to undies in your country every time you visit a chiropractor??? Us p-rudes in the US still wear our clothes! Either way, he kinda sounds like a puff…. Hope you’re having a great weekend!
I have to say I can give you a fair amount of emapathy in the back/osteopath department, but having to strip down to your knickers and bra??? I think I would have died at the mere thought. My body ain’t what it used to be…unfortunately! Hey, at least your back is feeling better….and that, I think, is worth getting naked 100 times over for…
I think your language is a disgrace.
I’d be more worried about the old piss flaps.
Check out my new pic by the way.
Yep. Why the long face?
I’d be more worried about my stretchmarks and flabby bum! How do you go about seeing an osteopath? Were you referred or is it a private thing??
Very funny! First time I ever went to my osteopath I followed orders (what other job gives you the opening line “strip down to your bra and panties please”?) and did what I was told, ie bend over so he could see any curvature in my spine, twist to the pelvis….
And then I remembered – too late – that I was wearing a g-string.
But I did go back many more times and he is an absolute gem. So much so I have ribbed him about this episode and having hairy legs on other occasions (yes, I have no shame).
You really made me laugh! Needed that thanks!
Hee hee. Oh, how I laughed at the fart bit. That’s why my sister in law gave up yoga – she couldn’t stop herself laughing if anyone farted. LOL!
I know exactly what you mean about the pants thing, having been to try on dresses recently that need help doing up – I was paranoid about my underwear. Usually nobody sees it…
Ooh you should see my friend Rob the Osteopath. I can’t go and see him as the thought of him seeing me in my undies is just too much! He’s on Twitter…. I suggest him for FF this week lol
The image in my head is that of porn movie entitled “The Osteopath and Mummy Work the Pelvis”.
You went through having a kid, and you’re still embarrassed about something like that?
Oh the one that we used for the boys was a lady!!! Maybe you need oldfashioned bloomers
I have a bad back, but after reading this I think I might just stick to tablet forms of pain relief
Thanks for the laugh tho! I hope your back is lots better??
My osteopath is a dishy young man. Makes it all the more embarassing.
He saw me all through my pregnancy, but I always make sure my knickers aren’t too pretty!