In my six and a half years as a mother my children have bestowed on me several surprise ‘gifts’; The time my daughter stuck a raisin as far up her nose as she could; The graffiti on the rented house dining room wall the week before we moved; The time my boy scattered a 2kg bag of dog food all over the kitchen; The time my daughter took her new born brother out of his bouncy chair and left him on the floor; the arc of poo on the cream bedroom carpet. … Just a small selection of gifts I have discovered.

I thought that now they were 5 and 6 we were over that stage, that at least their gifts would be wanted; a new coat for Mother’s Day *cough*, a shiny new watch for my birthday maybe?

But no, this morning when I woke from my slumber with a child jumping on my knees “Aaaaargh, my legs don’t bend that way” I needed a drink.  I keep a glass of water by the side of the bed for such thirst quenching moments.  I glugged away and was nearly sick as the heady cocktail of shell-suits, fringes and trainer tongues engulfed my senses.

It seems that some time between yesterday and today, by manner of stealth, someone, probably aged 5, had removed a chapstick from it’s casing and mixed it into my water, making a Chapstick Cocktail.  As I type this I am gagging as the faint odour of chapstick is still in my throat.

Since then the children have had a small nibble each night after their tea and the reindeer carcasses are residing in the fridge.

This morning we were woken up at 5.30am by The Husband’s mobile.  Someone, in India, had forgotten which time zone we were in.  Chuntering under my breath I went back to sleep but awoke a few moments later.  I could hear a distant conversation between The Husband and the 4 year old.

It turns out The Husband had heard a noise downstairs which, keen of ear, he described as someone snapping chocolate into a bowl. It turns out he was right, the 4 year old was caught returning to his bedroom with half a chocolate reindeer in a bowl.  He hid his bounty behind his back, told The Husband he had been ‘checking something downstairs’, was told to go and put the chocolate back and turn ALL the lights out.

With a huff, worthy of a Teenager, he returned the chocolate to the fridge and turned off all the lights he’d turned on which had made the lower portion of our house look like a cruise liner.

I cannot believe that his first thought on waking in the early hours wasn’t ‘Ooh, I think I’ll play with my castle’ or ‘Now … where did I put my lightsaber?’ it was for the headless reindeer in the fridge.

Stealth Boy ‘did a Nigella’ and I’m tired and grumpy.  The reindeer are going to get it tonight.

The last time Stealth Boy struck in the early hours he did this.

If you are wondering why he would do such a thing …?

I asked him and I got the same deranged look as you see here in this photo.

4 year old - 1st birthday = toddler slide, 2nd birthday = toddler trampoline, 3rd birthday = big slide, 4th birthday = 2 seated swing.

This birthday we are thinking a big trampoline. We were thinking guinea pig but how much fun can you have with a guinea pig compared to a trampoline … and why do I keep wanting to type trumpoline and snigger like a 4 year old?

Luckily, whatever the 4 year old gets for her birthday is bought with the two of them using it together in mind.

How bad is ‘second child with Winter birthday syndrome’ in this house?

Well, let me tell you, my poor poor boy …

3 year old - 1st birthday = can’t remember, 2nd birthday = nope, it escapes me, 3rd birthday = Sportacus dressing up outfit … which I kept back from Christmas.

The 3 year old’s birthday is just over a month after Christmas. It’s around the time we remove batteries from irritating Christmas presents (usually bought by someone with no children) and pretend they don’t work anymore … It’s around the time we stuff things in charity bags to make room for the excess Christmas presents … It’s shared with the husband.

He really doesn’t seem to notice though. He had a party this year and last (see, not such a bad mother) … with cake (not homemade … did you see the muffins?).  But, I do think in a year or two we really need to address the second child winter birthday issue.

Until then he can share in his sister’s ‘first born summer birthday lucky bugger syndrome’.

Thank god we’re not having any more children … what on earth would ‘third child, can’t remember your name let alone your birthday’ get?

This is chief suspect, Stealth Boy, also known around these parts as the 3 year old. He looks a bit like Sportacus but don’t be deceived.

Over recent times he has been getting up very early, sometimes undetected, and it is believed that his latest covert operation is in full swing.

He leaves calling cards all over the house, evidence of his early morning work.

For instance, over recent weeks, I have found the following oddities which have a distinct whiff of ’3 year old’;

1. I start to read my book. After a few minutes I realise that either a) I have read the chapter already or b) I have travelled forward in time. My bookmark has been moved.

2. I pick up an apple from the fruit bowl. It already has a single child sized bite mark.

3. There is a beautiful yellow crayon sunshine on the dining room wall.

4. Deleting messages from my mobile phone sent items I come across a message to a friend’s phone saying ‘fogypipy jambegy?’.

5. A tub of fish food has been opened and upturned on the 13 year old’s bed.

6. Three tulips out of 6 in a vase looking the as if they have been attacked with a sword.

7. Five calculators open on the computer desktop.

8. A biscuit barrel with half its contents missing and a trail of crumbs …

9. A lipstick crushed into its lid.

and the grand finale, crime of the century …

10. A beanbag minus its innards.

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