I last visited an osteopath ten years ago who asked me to strip down to my pants and bra, which made me instantly suspicious.  He rubbed my back and I was out in 30 minutes.  I remember thinking ‘thank f*ck I shaved my legs’ and not feeling any better when I left.  I never returned.

Today was no different in the stripping department, I was so grateful for big pants.  This osteopath was passionate about his work, throughout my 55 minute appointment he told me in detail what he was doing and why.  Unfortunately this fell on deaf ears as all I could think about was my wobbly thighs … wobbling and my jelly belly … rippling as he manipulated me.

At one point he asked if I’d received the introduction letter telling me what to expect during the session.  ‘Did he not like my big pants?’ I thought, or ‘Maybe it’s because my big black pants don’t match my big white, but graying, bra?’. Although I had shaved my legs I certainly wasn’t going to be wearing my ‘best/lacy/push me up/crotchless’ underwear for such an appointment.  I jest about the crotchless variety of underwear of course.  Actually, I don’t think I own any lacy push me up underwear either.

He waggled my legs lots and did some hip thrusting (his not mine).  He was sure to always avert his eyes away from my pants and bra areas and was keen to make sure I wasn’t uncomfortable whilst he contorted me into strange shapes to ‘pop’ my back.  At one point I thought if he moved me another inch I would be so compressed that I would fart meaning I could never return due to the shame.

As he asked me to curl into a ball on his work table and started fiddling with my spine whilst thrusting his hips to keep my legs moving I wondered what my husband would have thought had he burst into the room at that moment, then I remembered that approximately a year ago my husband was laid on this same table being thrust at in the same manner.

Err, reading this back I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you suggested I report the osteopath to the Bureau of Osteopathic Perversion but it was all above board … just very intimate and extremely thorough.

The upshot is that I now know how to sit in a chair properly, I have a realigned pelvis and I can walk without looking like I’ve crapped myself.

I have to go back next week.  I shall be wearing REALLY big pants and a bra that starts at my chin and sweeps down to my knees.  Yes, I am aware that no such thing exists but I shall whittle one together this week … all in the sake of dignity.

The teenagers were unusually quiet on the journey there.  Not used to being up before midday they found our 9am start a shock to the system. I was fairly quiet too when I realised that I had forgotten our picnic.  Luckily my niece and nephew had packed enough food for a coach party and we ate hearty elevenses of Pink Panther wafer biscuits.

We met our friends there; altogether there were 13 of us. Our youngest member was 10, our oldest was 45ish, but Dave our trusted safety expert informed us that his oldest Gorilla had been 78. 78 I tell you!

On arrival we signed our lives away on a disclaimer that said if we were silly enough not to listen to safety instructions and fall and/or die that it was our own foolish fault. I also had to acknowledge that I would be my niece and my nephew’s guardian throughout the treetop escapade.  If anything were to happen to them (fall and/or die) it was all my fault and I would be met at the gates of hell with by the devil wearing a gorilla suit.  Luckily they are young, agile and had been to Go Ape twice before so I was more worried about myself.

With much amusement we put on our harnesses which certainly enhanced all the men’s nether regions … not that I was looking, someone told me, honest. The only enhancement I got from my harness was some cheek chaffing.

Dave Shelton (ex Royal Artillery Motorcycle Display Team don’t you know), was our outstanding host and trained instructor. He gave us our safety tuition, ignored us when we asked questions about fatalities and told us his favourite colour was purple. After looking at a yellow warning triangle with a picture of someone falling I grasped that ‘stay attached’ would be the mantra of the day.

Amazingly Dave remembered 12 out of 13 of our team’s names throughout the day. It didn’t matter that he called Nigel Neil, because Nigel would have probably been happy to be called Barbara rather than complete Site 2’s Tarzan swing.

After our safety demonstration Dave led us to Site 1 where our experience began. Three feet off the floor I tackled my first high wire like a professional. Ahem.

As I conquered the first practise zip wire … probably a similar height to a small child’s playground one I started getting nervous. We were only at Site 1 and all we could see and hear were people on other sites 35 metres above us; shouting at each other, squealing with the odd terrified scream thrown in for good measure.

Dave told us that to land correctly at the end of a zip wire it was best to start running mid air so that as you hit the ground at the end you would be on your feet. … I managed on all 5 zip wires to land like a dead gorilla, with an audience, at great speed, on my back, looking upwards with my head making a furrow in the soggy wood chip.

The longest zip wire was 250 metres and extremely fast, this meant that on landing (as above) I managed to give myself the effect of a giant skid mark up the back of my jeans and top. I also managed to fill my pants, bra and socks with wood chip.

As we worked our way through the sites, each one more difficult and higher than the next, I seemed to forget about the height and really got into it. We all helped each other and gave encouraging shouts. We also laughed heartily, when someone landed badly (usually me), and sniggered when the woman in front got stuck halfway across a zip wire.  I’m sure she wasn’t amused, but within minutes one of Dave’s colleagues had her hoisted to safety.

Dave bobbed by to check we were all OK and to remind me that I had forgotten my packed lunch but didn’t hover too closely which gave us all a sense of freedom.

I had heard reports of people having to queue at each site on really busy days, but apart from the very early stages when we were still getting to grips with our harnesses and conquering our fear of heights (3 feet from the ground) we set a good pace and didn’t have to hang around.

When I landed (like above) after the last zip wire I felt exhilarated.  I was so glad that I’d completed the course and felt a real sense of achievement but I wanted to keep going. It felt like we’d done the course in an hour and a half. In fact we were up there for three hours.

The youngest member of our team was 10 and she swung through the course like a monkey.  She had NO fear and said this “If you were wondering why I was screaming it’s because I was enjoying myself so much” and “This has been the best day of my life”.

On the way home I asked our three teenagers what they thought. This is what they said;

Good points “It’s like flying”, “Just good fun”, “You overcome your fears”, “You don’t think about the heights”, “It’s a challenge”, “The instructors don’t watch you the whole time”, “Dave was really good at remembering names”

Bad points “The wedgies”, “No water points round the course”, “Bark chippings in pants”, “I want to do it again … now” … which isn’t really a bad point, but they are teenagers after all.

The following day I was shattered. The day after that my abs and shoulders hurt. By day three my armpits were aching and I was walking like I had pooed my pants.  The husband pointed out that I am in bad shape … which proves that as long as you can pull yourself up a rope ladder you can Go Ape.

I would definitely recommend Go Ape to anyone wanting an adventure, something a bit different, challenging and exhilarating.  It was a great bonding experience and one I hope to repeat.

I found my inner Gorilla at Go Ape … I also found half the Dalby Forest’s wood chip reserves when I took my trousers off that night.

What some of the other Gorilla’s thought about our day …

“The staff were really upbeat and enthusiastic which made it even more exciting. We were appointed Dave as our instructor and he was fab! He remembered everyone’s names except Nigel’s, not like he noticed through his fear!!! He accompanied us for the first 2 stages then left us to work our way around the rest of the course. I think that it was great that he didn’t go round the whole course with us asking how we were as I feel that there would have been too many opportunities to drop out which Nigel would have done for sure. Instead he finished the entire course and was absolutely thrilled with himself.” Carly aged 35

“Being a bit of an ‘adrenalin junkie’ I was very much looking forward to my ‘Go Ape’ experience and I’m glad to say I wasn’t disappointed in the slightest. The thought of dangling amongst the treetops with only a few ropes to support me made me a little anxious at first but the in-depth and well delivered safety/training brief soon put my mind at ease. You could tell by the enthusiastic approach and happy faces of all the staff that this wasn’t just a job to them but also a great hobby – another factor in helping us new ‘apes’ to feel comfortable.  I can’t wait for my next ‘Go Ape’ experience!” Scott aged 35

“I’m not the best with heights so I was more than a little apprehensive prior to arriving at ‘Go Ape’ but the Instructors were fantastic and immediately helped to alleviate my fear.  I won’t deny there were a few moments when I came close to waving the white flag (or maybe the brown pants!) but I persevered and was thrilled that I managed to complete the course – a real sense of achievement. That feeling of adrenalin racing through your body doesn’t come along too often but Go Ape most certainly provided me with that!  It’s an excellent way to build friendships and encourage teamwork.  I would definitely go again.” Lucy aged 33

Mary (aged 30 by the way) who writes caution … Woman at Work came along, you can read about her experience here.

I have 3 pairs of tickets (possibly more) up for grabs and I want to offer them to my lovely readers. All you need to do is leave a comment and my independent adjudicators (the 3 and 4 year old) will pull names out of a hat a week today.

Before you comment make sure you can attend the location on the time and date below.

The date – Sunday 12 July 2009
Time – 11.30am
Location – Dalby Forest, Near Pickering, North Yorkshire
Minimum age – 10yrs
Minimum height – 1.4m (4ft7″)
Maximum weight – 20.5 stones (130kg)

Do me a favour and hit the button to the bottom right to retweet this competition!

Here’s a taste of Go Ape in the Dalby Forest …