The 7 year old had an evening with the book of dreams where she wrote on two sides of A4.  Nearly everything was from the ‘make and do’ page where you make chocolate coins out of cheap chocolate, chocolate eggs, badges, pom poms, crappy necklaces that fall apart etc … all of which end up in a cupboard for the next three years until it is spirited away to a charity shop under cover of darkness.

We had a discussion, about greed, and I told her she needed to write a proper letter to Father Christmas and could only include a maximum of three things that she really REALLY wanted and that anything else was a bonus.  At this point she ignored her ‘book of dreams’ list and asked Father Christmas for a camera, a watch and an ipod shuffle. Luckily all the things which the Christmas elves had earmarked for her anyway.

The 5 year old on the other hand didn’t hear the bit about ‘a maximum of three things’ and wrote the following things, some of which I am still trying to decipher;

deeer santa

i wood lyk

deees gaym, fooh, flip truck, blallit, wortbotyl, speshil pen, drum cit, hot weels

tank you fmy presns xxxxxxxxxxx

I shall have to question him further in regards the ‘fooh’ and the ‘blallit’.  In the meantime if anyone out there can translate ‘phonetic five year old’ please tell me what it is.

This year, though, I have found My List Is Here which lets me build lists from over 500,000 products across more than 300 high street and online stores (including Selfridges, Debenhams, Play.com, Gap and Vodafone).

I signed up (easy peasy) and started building my Christmas wish list. I can even add hilarious notes for people next to each item, for extra hinting purposes.  Here is my list. You’ll see I’m not asking for much, but what I am asking for is something that I DEFINITELY want and need.

If you’re buying a new home, planning a wedding or birthday the possibilities are endless. I’m planning on starting up a ‘dream home’ list … all the things I’d like to have when I win the lottery cough.

I love my list is here. I love that I can share it, easily, with family and friends and I’ll definitely be using it in the future for all manner of events.

If I was really bitter about The Husband’s lack of hint uptake I could do a Wedding List for when I marry the man who will get my gifts without prompting cough. But luckily, with the help of my list is here I won’t have to. Will I?!

Things that didn’t work well;

Michael Jackson Masterclass : The 5 year old came home from a friend’s house saying a line from a Michael Jackson song over and over again.  We couldn’t work out what it was so I suggested we have a look at You Tube and try to identify the song.  It was good up until we hit Thriller and the zombies.  Not a happy holiday memory, gathered around The Husband’s computer as zombies dance on the screen with my hands clamped over both children’s eyes saying “Just turn it off … NOW”. I predict nightmares for weeks although it has prompted some moonwalking attempts.

Make up new words : Webcakes = pyjamas. Dippers = slippers. Larlylaaaas = blackberries. The best part about this is that the child makes up the words.  You simply have to spend 4 hours guessing.  I can’t tell you how much fun and laughter we had over webcakes during a stressful bedtime. My sides nearly split from laughing so hard cough.

Guess the accent : I’m not sure if Grandpa has been giving her extra tuition, but the 7 year old does a mean Scottish accent. I discovered that I can do no accent apart from Yorkshire and Scottish and a sort of Welsh/Irish/Japanese hybrid. We discovered that the adopting an accent game is fine in the confines of your own home but not so good on a crowded bus in Edinburgh.

Snail Farm : The 5 year old walked around the house with at least three snails crawling up his arms before putting them to bed, in a box with a lid, for the night.  Overnight one snail escaped … never to be found again.  That day the rest of the snails were released back into the wild.

Scooter stunts in the back alley sans helmet : Stunt Boy … who else?! This resulted in a gushing head wound and a trip to A&E.  Luckily it was superficial and his skull is still intact. He was more concerned about whether his favourite Mario t-shirt had survived the blood. It has.

Things that worked really well and were, in the main, free;

Library : We went to the library and got 30 books, we also joined a Summer reading scheme. The children each had to read 6 books each. The 7 year old who has a ferocious appetite for chapter books did that three times over.  Their prize was some stickers, a medal, a wristband, a yo-yo and a certificate.

Face Painting : The 7 year old loves to paint faces. She did the 5 year old’s, mine and the Teenager’s. She’s quite good too. If only I hadn’t had to open the door looking like a dog to our, soon to be, new neighbour, who was telling me she would be moving in soon. Aaaargh.

Chalks in the back garden : A big pot of chalks and some paving slabs were great entertainment. Pictures galore. The next day the rain cleared it all away making way for the next lot of floor art. Particularly good if your youngest child’s portraits of you look slightly Jabba-The-Hutesque.

Mario Kart Wii Tournament : I keep winning. That’s all you need to know about that one.

Christmas List : Two Argos catalogues, otherwise known as ‘The Book of Dreams’, from Grandma, one afternoon of occupied children folding over pages.

Cafe : The 7 year old opened the kitchen as a cafe and served us breakfast and lunch for two days.  She even employed her brother as a sous chef.  The Husband showed her how to make toast. I told her, several times, that you must never stick anything metal in a toaster. I did a pretty good impression of an electric eel, holding a pair of metal tongs, to drum it home.

Washing things in the garden : When the 5 year old wasn’t doing a shift in the Kitchen Cafe he decided to wash his bike. A bucket of soapy water and a sponge and he was busy for an hour. He didn’t stop at just his bike, he did every wheeled object in the garden.

Unfortunately there was an incident later on Christmas Day involving a Teenager the dog and the whoopee cushion.  Sadly, the whoopee cushion came to a rather abrupt end.

I am slightly ashamed to admit that I went Christmas shopping with my Big Little Sister K and bought the whoopee cushion in the Cath Kidston shop.

That’s right, I went into Cath Kidston and all I bought was a 75p whoopee cushion.

The shame … It’s OK though, because I’ll be going back for another very soon.

When the teenager was younger we bought her a Baby Annabell. As she grew older the doll was disbanded to a cupboard and a couple of years ago she gave it to the 5 year old.

At this point Baby Annabell still had all her faculties; she would suck a dummy, go to sleep and cry. One day in the Summer the 5 year old was playing in the garden. Whilst I was in the kitchen the 5 year old decided to give Baby Annabell a bath in the paddling pool.

When I realised what was going on, I removed her from the paddling pool and sat her on a chair in the sunshine to dry whilst lecturing my daughter about battery operated toys and water.

Later the family arrived for a BBQ and as everyone sat in the garden the doll came to life. Like something from a horror movie it started crying like a witch and sucking it’s imaginary dummy whilst opening and shutting its eyes.

All batteries were removed and to this day she still plays with it, although it has no clothes and is a little grubby. She’s seen the new updated version of Baby Annabell, and she now has a double buggy for her dolls. I’ve discovered that the new version wakes up and cries if disturbed by noise.

She somehow convinced me that the scary doll needs a twin. I bought Baby Annabell and sent her to Santa … COUGH … just before I heard from the people at Very so I am a tad miffed

I wonder how long the 5 year old will last before she breaks due to sleep deprivation and takes the batteries out?

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I asked Gramps to get the kids Go Go Hamsters for Christmas. 

Since asking him there have been several news reports of Go Go Hamsters being sold out everywhere and panicked craziness surrounding deliveries.  I haven’t known such insanity since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle crisis of 1988.

The following charts the missives between Gramps and myself regarding said Go Go Hamsters.

Seriously, I think I’m losing my mind, I can’t imagine how he is feeling!
_______________________________________________________________
From: Laura
To:Gramps

How is the great hamster hunt going?
______________________________________________________________
From:Gramps
To: Laura

I won’t know until the beginning of December when Woolworths should deliver two of the little buggers – unless they get kidnapped in transit and we receive a ransom demand.

I’ve got the Hamster car and Garage here as I write. I’m tempted to put them on ebay for a price that will require a mortgage.
_______________________________________________________________
From: Laura
To:Gramps

You should try Toymaster in the meantime for the actual hamsters in case Woolworths don’t deliver!
 
Can you sense panic in my email?
_______________________________________________________________
From:Gramps
To: Laura

You think you’re PANICKING!?  I’ve just looked at the Toymaster online site and anything to do with Go Go Hamsters is sold out!

If the worst happens we’ll buy a couple of live, smelly, carpet eating hamsters!
_______________________________________________________________
From: Laura
To:Gramps

Now in blind panic that we will be getting LIVE hamsters … RING TOYMASTER NOW!
_______________________________________________________________
From:Gramps
To: Laura

Hooof***ingray.

Toymaster have a Hamster Funhouse in stock and I’ve reserved it. They haven’t got any hamsters but will have sometime soon.

I’ll keep on the case but I still have faith in on-line Woolies to deliver.
_______________________________________________________________
From: Laura
To:Gramps

OK
_______________________________________________________________
From:Gramps
To: Laura

We called in at Toys-R-Us. On Friday there be a delivery but we were advised that we would have to be there at 9 o’clock as when the last delivery arrived they sold out in 7 minutes.

I’ll be going to Toymaster tomorrow to collect the Funhouse and I will try to persuade them to give me advance notice of the next delivery. 

Regards, The Hamster Controller

When I started thinking about our Christmas rules I realised that we don’t really have many. 

We are fairly kamikaze in our approach to Christmas and of course very … ahem …  relaxed. 

Really …

Decorations

Before having children we would wait till as late as possible before decorating the tree, on one year not having a tree at all.  Bah humbug. 

Nowadays we I put up our tree as early as possible, the only rule being it is in December.  I whack on the Christmas tunes and let the children decorate the tree.  We buy one new decoration a year for the tree.

When the children are in bed the husband who is a perfectionist redecorates the tree.

Every year without fail the husband will threaten to buy a ‘tasteful’ whicker light up reindeer for the front lawn.  This means he wanders round the garden centres illuminations once a week eyeing them up.  So far no reindeer.  Maybe this is the year.

Christmas Eve

Every Christmas Eve we pile into Teacher Friend Mother of Three’s house for party food and games.  We then go to the neighbouring villages church hall to listen to a brass band (all volunteers) play whilst we sing along.  As we leave the church hall Santa says goodbye and hands us each a piece of fruit whilst holding a banner advertising the local fruit and veg shop. 

Although this is not my activity of choice I have ulterior motives.  Out of the house for approximately five hours the children use up some of their excess excitement and arrive home ready for bed.  I come home feeling REALLY Christmassy. 

The husband has already told me he refuses to attend ‘the dodgy carol singing’ this year and would like to return to his old Christmas Eve ‘out with the lads’. But he won’t.

Children

The children leave a mince pie and beverage of the husband’s choice out for Santa and a carrot or two for the reindeers.

As they are getting ready for bed they will question me relentlessly about how Santa will get down our chimney as we have a gas fire.  I will come over all Paul Daniels and repeatedly say “It’s magic”.

On Christmas Day the children will wake early as usual and open the presents in their stocking on our bed as we try to prise our eyelids open.  We then go downstairs to see if Santa’s been.  There will then be a frenzy of present opening and a lull whilst the husband spends an hour removing various toys from their packaging and assembling them whilst swearing.  It will only be 7am.

The children then get dressed before ringing people who have sent presents.  The 3 year old will remain silent during his part of the phone call whilst I tell the person in a loud voice that he is very grateful.  The 5 year old will rabbit away and confuse anyone who is partially deaf (Gramps).  I will have to go on the phone and translate for the person on the other end of the phone.

The teenager will get socks and pyjamas … amongst other things. Fact.

Christmas Dinner

The husband always does ALL the cooking whilst wearing a festive apron and draining a bottle of Red wine.  He likes it that way and I don’t complain.

Everyone has a scratch card at their table setting and the stepfather in law always wins, sometimes up to £50.

We have sprouts as they are one of my favourite vegetables. 

I eat the most sprouts.

The teenager will humour me by having her one and only sprout of the year.

The mother in law will present her trifle which is unusual as it has pink blamanche in it. She will leave her trifle dish at our house and forget about it until 2 weeks before Christmas when she will collect it.

I will eat lots of trifle.

Later when we have partially digested a massive Christmas dinner we will eat cold leftovers. 

Cold sprouts are delicious. Fact

We try sit down to watch a great Xmas movie, but as usual there aren’t any. Fact.

4 year old - 1st birthday = toddler slide, 2nd birthday = toddler trampoline, 3rd birthday = big slide, 4th birthday = 2 seated swing.

This birthday we are thinking a big trampoline. We were thinking guinea pig but how much fun can you have with a guinea pig compared to a trampoline … and why do I keep wanting to type trumpoline and snigger like a 4 year old?

Luckily, whatever the 4 year old gets for her birthday is bought with the two of them using it together in mind.

How bad is ‘second child with Winter birthday syndrome’ in this house?

Well, let me tell you, my poor poor boy …

3 year old - 1st birthday = can’t remember, 2nd birthday = nope, it escapes me, 3rd birthday = Sportacus dressing up outfit … which I kept back from Christmas.

The 3 year old’s birthday is just over a month after Christmas. It’s around the time we remove batteries from irritating Christmas presents (usually bought by someone with no children) and pretend they don’t work anymore … It’s around the time we stuff things in charity bags to make room for the excess Christmas presents … It’s shared with the husband.

He really doesn’t seem to notice though. He had a party this year and last (see, not such a bad mother) … with cake (not homemade … did you see the muffins?).  But, I do think in a year or two we really need to address the second child winter birthday issue.

Until then he can share in his sister’s ‘first born summer birthday lucky bugger syndrome’.

Thank god we’re not having any more children … what on earth would ‘third child, can’t remember your name let alone your birthday’ get?