On Sunday I had a photo-shoot at home for a magazine article I’ve been interviewed for. Unlike the last one I did which involved the whole family (including the dog) and a partial nervous breakdown this one was just me.
In nervousness I straightened my hair to the point that I’m surprised the photographer didn’t arrive to find me partially bald. I practiced certain looks in the mirror. Don’t laugh, let’s just say, I am not blessed with a photogenic face and in most photos I look like I’m gurning.
I’d been told that there would be clothes for me to wear and wasn’t disappointed to see the photographer, Will, pulling a large neon pink suitcase behind him up the path. When he opened the suitcase he retrieved a tiny bag from within and I went upstairs to get changed. There were two tops, which were too small. The Husband stood back in horror as I tried to shove my humongous boobs into the tops to no avail. There were also some lovely bracelets but due to my ‘man-hands’ I couldn’t get them on.
I can only picture the image you have in your mind of me now; The gurning, man handed, Dolly Parton boobed lady.
It’s all true.
I returned downstairs to inform Will that the clothes didn’t fit and was I alright in my own clothes? He told me something ‘less black’ would be good. I’m no goth, but, 95% of my wardrobe is black. I eventually found a purple top and put a black cardigan on over it. He was happy enough with my ensemble and we were ready to go.
He asked me to stand in the bay window so he could test the light and take some test shots. I was nervous, but we started chatting and I started to relax.
Once we started he asked me to take my cardigan off which wasn’t a problem but all I could think about were MAHOOSIVE bingo wings. I don’t have massive bingo wings, but I certainly have more ‘armage’ than I’d like.
I tried a bit of ‘smizing’. Something I learnt from watching America’s Next Top Model religiouslyoccasionally. When I researched the word smize, to make sure I was spelling it correctly I came across two definitions;
Definition 1. The condition of having ejaculate in one’s eye, which stings like the dickens.
and …
Definition 2.“Smile with you eyes”, as coined by Tyra Banks on the thirteenth cycle of America’s Next Top Model
I was definitely doing definition 2. Definitely. I believe definition 1 would have been a totally different sort of shoot involving no clothing whatsoever and a fluffer.
I was told not to smile with my mouth or my eyes. Apparently they don’t like smiling with the eyes or mouth in these sorts of shoots.
To be fair in all the excitement of the moment I had totally lost focus. The article the shoot is for is about my other ‘serious blog’ A Mum Shaped Hole which is about my Mother’s death when I was a child.
I assumed the ‘funeral face’ look which was slightly difficult. Difficult because Will had now asked me to sit on a 1 inch wide windowsill, stick my feet on the radiator and stare at an invisible spot on the wall. It did my back problems no favours.
After a while we swapped rooms and I noticed a text from Facebook Wife, Mother of 1 on my phone which said;
Obviously too busy to answer, I was just ringing in case you needed a fluffer. Or is it not that kind of shoot?
Clearly she’s a definiton 1 kind of girl.
25 Comments on "Smizing … The Man-Handed, Gurning, Dolly Parton Boobed Lady"
wow smizing who knew, I cried my friggen eyes out reading this the other night I couldn’t sleep so was reading on my phone
I learnt a new word – also I have a tip re: bracelets and man hands (as I too have them!) Use a pop sock over your hand and the bracelets slip on and off easily! A shop assistant in NY swore it would work and I promise it does!
PMSL, I can imagine the whole thing. Although when I read the title, I thought you were being rude about Tyra (not that I watch ANTM *cough*), maybe you have more in common with her than you think…
LMAO! And learned a new word as well (plus one definition I could have done without lol!)
Looking forward to seeing the pics …..I’m sure you will look gorgeous as ever hon x
You have made me gaffaw…so funny..(1st definition – who knew!!!)
Of course none of us really watch ANTM..with sexy Nigel, I just found out about smizing because a ‘friend’ watches it and talks of nothing else!
And finally, I too have man hands and a friend with bird hands and wrists who buys me tiny tiny child bangles for birthdays, Christmas, Easter…pure evil.
1. I still don’t know what a fluffer is.
2. I also did not know that ‘Audrey Horne’ was in fact the person offering the erm…fluffage.
Explain yourselves, please.
The fluffage offer was innocent – I was just offering to help wrestle the boobs into the tops (from Laura’s account, the Husband was not much use) and force the bracelets onto her wrists.
Of course, I’d have been there to offering all manner of smizing advice, but it appears that was not needed. No smizing allowed! Especially not Definition 1…
I love the alternative definition of smize !
Ha – Wife, I am gurgling in delight at this post! I am quite shocked you didn’t know what a fluffer was. I don’t know how I know, but I swear I have never worked in the adult film industry…
As for the alternative definition for ‘smize’ – I did not know that. However, I do recall helping a friend of mine out when her boyfriend inadvertantly smized in her eye. We were in halls at university – she came flying out of her room screaming and clutching her eye. Her poor boyfriend was left in a puddle of shame in her room whilst I administered anti-smize treatment in mine. It was a proud moment…
I love it Dolly…its nerve racking enough having a photo taken by a mate let alone a pro!
two new words in one day! Fabulous!
Haha, prima today, XXX tomorrow
PS which mag is it this time?
I am a fantastic gurner, we should have a gurn off? Maybe there’s a meme in that? ‘Get your gurn out!’ No?
OMG This had me laughing A LOT. The mental images are crazy, and let’s just say, uh, my mind works overtime.
And as for smizing (which I know all about because of my extensive research on
Sexy Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barkerthe wonderful world of modelling for Tyra Banks and ANTM) I am yet to master it.Clearly, you overdid it. *snigger*
Hmmm…wonder if Ty-Ty knows about Definition 1…
Hey Laura,
Fab post, laughed a lot.
I know exactly what “smizing” is……oh…um yes I have watch a few ANTM, only a few mind you.
Which mag was this for? How did they hear about your ‘other’ blog? (I’m a follower of that one too).
xx jo
Oh how interesting, I didnt know either definitions at all!!! Which mag is it going to be in????
ha,ha I couldn’t stop smiling I could picture your interview (no smiling with your mouth or eyes) and I learned a new word smizing..
Saludos,
A Mexican mommy living in Europe
first of all , fun blog, caught my attentions. I coudln’t stop smiling as I pictured your interview..(don’t smile with your mouth or eyes..) second I just learned a new word Smizing..
saludos,
A Mexican mommy living in Europe
OH how I LAUGHED. I could picture it, every bit of it.
Can you imagine the story the photographer went back telling the office . . .
Laura, Laura, Laura. You are fab. That is all x
Oh my, I am never going to be able to watch ANTM without both wincing and chortling to myself.
Hope the photo came out OK.
Honestly, I’ve just snorted tea up my nose whilst reading this! You’ve got me again this morning! The best trick I learned from Tyra was about tension in your poses to create definition – I bet you had plenty of that sitting on a 1inch wide windowsill!
Too funny – particularly definition 1. Thanx for teaching me a new word.
I’ve heard that saying ‘prunes’ gives you a Keira style pout, but will try smizing from now on. And I too have got many a bangle stuck on my man-hands so I share your pain.
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