I have suddenly become a nervous flyer.
My nervousness was prompted by a trip to Brussels a few months ago on a 32 seater. Like a paper airplane, it felt as though we were being propelled through the air using only an elastic band.
On the return leg as we came in to land the plane started lurching all over the place. It was a bit like being on The Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World. It was so bad that when the plane landed I had to crowbar open my eyes, peel my fingers off the armrests and unclench my buttocks.
As the plane came to a standstill the passengers, who were still able to move their hands freely, burst into applause as the Captain admitted over the tannoy ‘I wasn’t sure how that was going to turn out’. I think that was the moment that I decided I didn’t like flying anymore.
I recently took a trip to London on another small ‘joke’ aircraft.
Just before we set off the Captain announced that he needed 6 volunteers to move to the back of the plane to even out the distribution as there had been an error with seat allocation.
… and clench.
As the plane took off in a rattly fashion I realised that, in my haste, I hadn’t looked in on my sleeping children when I’d left early that morning. If I had been starring in a film or an episode of Casualty my lack of parental concern would mean that my card was marked. I would have, at most, enough time to burn my tongue on my boiling hot in-flight drink before something terrible happened.
On my return flight from London I had a seat right at the front with excellent leg room.
Just as I was settling down to read my book the air hostess came over and said that as I was sat next to the emergency exit it would be my responsibility to open the door in an emergency situation.
She gave a brief demonstration of said door removal and told me to read the laminated card that no one ever reads as well as the detailed instructions on the door.
The instructions were in cartoon form;
With a moustache (not that I have a fascination with facial hair), I had to twist the two handles at the same time and pull the door towards me, then throw the door out of the plane to my right.
I looked at her like a rabbit caught in the headlights and said OK.
After our little chat I read and re-read the laminated leaflet and, for the first time since I first flew aged 7, took notice when she did the life jacket ‘pull here, tie this and blow the whistle here’ speech to everyone.
As the plane took off I eyed the emergency exit suspiciously. As my chair rattled I looked down. My chair looked like it was secured to the floor with staples. I clenched my buttocks a little tighter.
Once the seat-belt sign went off the air hostess asked me if I had familiarised myself with the instructions. As I tightened the strap on my seat-belt I told her that when … I mean, if, I was required to open the door would she give me the nod? She must have thought I was on day release from the home for the terminally bewildered.
I realised that I was taking my ‘door duties’ far too seriously when it dawned on me that this was a UK flight, London to Leeds. The chances of us landing, in a crash situation, in any sort of water were slim to none. A canal or a babbling brook just wouldn’t cut it.
I would not be getting the nod from the air hostess any time soon; Nor would I be needing to use the whistle on my life jacket to bring attention to myself doing a spot of synchronised swimming in the sea.
As my emergency exit duty pressure lifted I went back to thinking about more interesting on-land crash situations … with my buttocks clenched, one hand clutching the arm rest and the other stirring the boiling hot in-flight drink which would burn my tongue five minutes later when I took my first sip too early.
We are taking our holidays in Italy this year so will have to undergo hypnotherapy or take A LOT of valium before I fly.
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36 Comments
Funny where Google leads you, and how I am now even more confused about Clenching One’s Buttocks In The Air | Are we nearly there yet mummy?
I’m really scared when it comes to flying I dread it, although it hasn’t stopped me going around the world I try to avoid it. The small airplanes really don’t make feel safe at all! I tend to have 1-2 valium and a couple of glasses of wine and it eases the tension 🙂
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I HATE flying. I cant even look after Snaffles on the flight beucase I am such a state.
Mr C bought me tickets to disney land for one of my birthdays. I sat on the plane in floods of tears. Mr C had to stop me getting off the plane.
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Oh dear, sorry if that was a little too much info about the dental records – to calm things down, I once heard jeremy clarkson saying you are more likely, statistically, to be killed by your own trousers than die in a plane crash. So keep a stiff upper jaw! Oopsie, I meant lip xx
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I cannot bear to travel in a plane smaller than a jet as I get really nervous and slightly irrational. Have done the NZ to UK and back flight more times than I like to count. Not good for sanity either. 32 hours in total door to door. Had wicked turbulance a few times, kids hysterical, my mother as well.
You have my sympathies, I have felt the fear too and now thankfully don’t have to do much flying.
Good luck for next time!
I feel your fear! I have flown so much that i can’t help thinking statistically something ought to happen, you know? shudder.
I commented on the size of the aircraft on that Brussels flight too…stewardess ensured me it would get me home fine. Looked like one of those planes fanatics fly around with a remote control.
Did you really use the exact words ‘give me the nod’???!! hahaha –
Good post – very funny!
That Dulwich Divorcee has just confirmed one of my worst fears. I had a minor panic attack because the woman sitting next to me left her laptop on, whilst we took off, whilst we were flying above the clouds (why do we have to go that high?) and whilst we were landing. I tried to give the air stewardess a nod and a wink but I think she just thought I was a Lesbian (not as an uncommon occurrence as you would think…).
OMG can’t believe Dulwich Divorcee’s comment about the brace position!! Surely not. Great post…Lx
It could be worse … you might be clenching when something like this happens: http://unexpectedtraveller.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/passenger-power/
The Unexpected Traveller
As someone who hates flying I think I would have got off the plane if I’d been ask to move to the back. I shudder just thinking about it.
CJ xx
All joking aside (she says with an air of authority – excuse the pun), get this under control before it takes over completley. I am a terrible flyer and should have had hypnosis or something years ago. I sometimes take an anti-anxiety pill, but since I’m usually flying with kids, I can’t take enough to really do the job. Instead, I still feel like I’m going to plunge to a horrible death, but I can’t be bothered to get worked up about it.
I am not fond of small aircraft, OK in helicopters but yes the paper thin walls and propellers on the side of planes make me nervous!
So glad you lived to tell the tale 😀
So glad I followed Very Bored’s tweet about your post. Fab writing – just love the idea of you waiting for the stewardess to give you the nod.
Just to make you even more hysterical (still laughing about the brace position/dental records comment) when my hubby and I were coming home from our honeymoon the plane suddenly dived and the pilot announced he’d had to make the dive as air traffic control had put us on a collision course with another plane. We were front page of the Daily Express the next day, headlined “Six Seconds from Disaster”. Lovely holiday though….
Just be careful when you unclench your buttocks that you don’t relax TOO much. No one needs to end a flight with a “code brown” as it were.
Tea on keyboard. Thanks for that. LOL!
The unclenching of my buttocks was done with caution … I can assure you.
Am so LMAO cause I have gone over the years from being a great flyer to be a scared chicken shit one!
I guess my following experience did not help: of steward asking for a doctor, then seeing as no one came foreward i said I was a nurse. So he took me forward in the plane-so said to myself someone in business class is having a heart attack. Nope we continued upstairs-so I said someone in first class…nope, the pilot wasn’t feeling well.
I got my handy dandy thermometer, he had fever, gave him some pills for fever and only after he swallowed them did he check to make sure they would not make him drowsy.
Also-I know planes fly on radar, but it was too much for me to actually see that through the cockpit you can see NOTHING!!!!!!
I like valium these days!
Wow. You flew to London with Tom Selleck out of Magnum. I’m, like, soooooooo jealous.
My husband, who knows about such stuff, always says that you must look at the stewardesses. If they’re smiling and chatting it’s all fine, but if they’re glazed over and clenched of jaw it’s time to panic.
Just saying.
Insomniac Mummy stole my line!
I’ve flown on light aircraft a couple of times and did not enjoy the experience so I feel for you.
I think it’s that bastard motherhood that brings on the fear.
I had no problems with flying before I had kids. Flew from Australia to the other side of the world in a tin can on a regular basis. Now I’m clenching from the moment I hit the airport. Having children brings the whole circle of life/mortality issue to the fore. Circle of Life/Mortality likes its feet on the ground. Which is not to say that I don’t fly. But 24 hours with your cheeks clenched can be a very painful proposition!
All that clenching will give you buns of steel!
Laughing a little too loud at DD’s comment…..
😀
You may be laughing at DD’s comment. Me? I’m weeping.
Beautifully written! I’ve always hated flying. And I’ve hated it even more since some kind soul told me that the whole idea of that ‘brace’ position you’re supposed to adopt during a crash is to preserve your jaw, so they can identify your mangled body via your dental records. Just saying xx
Oh.My.God.
That is all. I’m glad you didn’t mention that on our flight to Walt Disney World. I would have had to be sedated on the way and then would have had to look at how to get a green card to avoid the return journey.
Having flown way too much I now find myself preempting the routine of the stewardess and picking holes in the plan. Do not inflate your lifejacket before you leave the plane. Ok – so when do I? Will be awkward when sliding down a ramp, impossible once in the sea…
I always keep my phone in my pocket so I have some way of contacting people if we do crash and by some miracle I survive. I try and work out how I will stop it getting wet in the sea if that;s where we land.
I think I have thought about this too much!
Thanks for the mobile phone tip.
Maybe from now on when we put our phone about our person we could put it one of those zip lock bags for your 100ml of liquids … not that I’ve spent the last half an hour thinking about it or anything.
I wonder what the coverage is for Orange in the Mediterranean Sea … we go to Italy in June.
I don’t have a problem with flying but, after experiences like those, yeah, I’d have the fear too.
I’ve flown loads of times before and never felt the fear … It’s the tiny aircraft that do it – they never seem quite substantial enough!