So, I got a handle on the eye wrinkles, albeit a psychological one. I am using the ‘If I am applying the cream then there can be no further wrinkles’ approach.
I had another birthday last month, I am now 31 years old. Of course with this quiet passing of birthdays I discovered that I like Emma Bridgewater mugs and that I have bingo wings. The latter was more of a shock than the former. When I pointed out my wingage to the husband he said that it may be more the shoveling of excess food into my mouth than my turning another year older. I can hear you all saying ‘HE SAID WHAT?’ and limbering up for some man bashing, but actually he’s right.
Whilst I work out how best to tackle my shovelling problem without having my jaw wired I have decided to wrap my bingo wings in cling film at night. This will surely reduce them if it is tight enough and the heating is cranked up
With my birthday came the dawn of the pyjama. I haven’t worn pyjamas since I left home at 18, opting for nakedness and then when I had children just plain old big pants. I am now going for comfort. I perused Marks and Spencer online and clicked the wrong button because I was confronted with one of my worst fears … ‘older’ ladies wearing quilted bed jackets. Recoiling in horror I decided that it would be best to go to a real shop where I could avoid such atrocities.
I had some time off last week to bridge the gaping childcare hole. It was lovely to spend some quality time with …
The 5 year old, who was suffering SHF (Summer Holiday Fatigue). Being passed from one form of childcare to the next all Summer has not done her any favours. She has loved the school holiday club which was a relief. She did have to be peeled off me each morning, but then each evening I had to drag her screaming to the car because she didn’t want to leave.
She has more imaginary animals. We have the two dogs, Molly and Sarah who walk with us every night with our REAL dog and then there are some unnamed cats. She still wants a real guinea pig and I am still refusing. When I suggested she get herself an imaginary guinea pig she looked at me as if I were mad. Other than that she is continuing to stalk the neighbours ten year old daughter daily and is now getting the …
… the 3 year old involved in peering in their front windows too. There will be a restraining order arriving shortly.
He has acquired a new noise, a cross between a guinea pig squeal and the screeching metal brakes on the 08:45 Northern Rail to Leeds. This noise is fairly random and I’m not sure if I should worry. He starts nursery at the 5 year old’s school next week which couldn’t come fast enough because he wails each morning as we pull up outside the OAP childminders and can’t understand why he can’t go to ”big boy school’.
We discovered that he had been weeing in the bidet a few weeks ago. After much berating he has ceased this activity and now favours cleaning the bidet with the 5 year old’s flannel instead. Apart from that he is obsessed with Mario Kart on the Wii and has probably said the phrase “can I play on the car game” 40 times a day for the last six weeks. This isn’t the only time he repeats himself either “Can we go on a scooter ride”, “Can we go on a scooter ride”, “Can we go on a scooter ride”, “Can we go on a scooter ride”, “Can we go on a scooter ride” gets a bit tiresome too. In fact if he wants something and gets the answer ‘no’ he will attempt to wear me down with asking the same thing over and over to the point that …
… the husband is now worried that the 3 year old is actually part goldfish.
The husband has taken to swearing excessively recently, but understandable seeing as he managed to kill his computer last week, which as a graphic designer is integral to his work.
The TV is currently tuned to ‘cricket’ and only ‘cricket’ which the children find disgusting especially as it clashes with Mister Maker. He’s going to the One Day International at Durham next week to meet up with ‘Glaswegian Jim’. We met Glaswegian Jim and his lovely family when we went camping in August. Their friendship formed over their love to drink alcohol and talk b*llocks into the early hours of the morning. One of our neighbouring campers got quite razzed by the early morning discussions. She came out of her tent and shouted angrily at Glaswegian Jim “I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR SCOTTISH VOICE AGAIN TONIGHT” . Over the last few weeks by medium of text and email the husband has taught Jim everything there is to know about cricket.
He mentioned the word ‘vasectomy’ in my presence last week. I laughed it off nervously. I am of course still holding out for him having an accidental head trauma and subsequently the revelation that he would in fact like more children. This isn’t going to happen, but a vasectomy? It seems so final. Usually it is the woman pushing for the man to have the vasectomy, surely not the man openly willing to have his bits hacked at with a machete snipped. To be honest I think if he could do it himself with a pair of garden shears he would.
The dog… is mostly moulting. She is looking a bit thin, which for a Labrador is unheard of, I’ll have to start supplementing her diet with her favourite past worktop steals … pomegranates …. candles … frozen mince … whole loaves of bread … tubs of margarine. Maybe she’s dog-a-rexic?
12 Comments on "An update on life as we know it …"
I can’t believe you’re only JUST discovering PJs!
You haven’t lived woman. I’d wear mine 24/7 if I could (and sometimes do).
Glad all is well in the Handlebar Driver household.
I’m beginning to hope Kai might have an imaginary dog. He’s always woofing at himself – a make-believe pet would be far more comforting than the reality that he is actually quite mad.
x
I’m going to start adding to my pjyama collection now I’ve rediscovered the art of the jimjam.
There’s nothing wrong with being a bit bonkers. I’m living proof.
I love your 3 year old’s weeing habits!!! Trust me, 31 is young! Don’t go down the PJ’s route though.
It’s too late. I’m there already. In fact I’ve just been sitting here thinking of donning them for some sofa surfing later.
Wha? You mean you don’t sleep in two sports bras? Good Jesus, woman, your knockers will be round your ankles by the time you’re 35.
And you’re only 31? How did that happen. It’s patently not fair that you seem to have managed to be 8 years younger than me. Stop it.
They were round by my ankles by the time I was 28. There’s no hope for my knockers.
I may be 8 years younger but your knockers will always be higher then mine.
Pyjamas? Hmmmm.
I too have recently opted for bed attire. It is no less than disturbing.
I reckon it’s probably a slippery slope. Pyjamas now, slippers next year then when I go to the supermarket I’ll start taking one of those old lady shopping trolleys with me.
Funny post. One of my little ones also has an imaginary dog; I guess now that’s normal then. The dog’s name: Sweaty Betty. Don’t ask me why.
Sweaty Betty – I like that – far more imaginative than Molly or Sarah!
Thanks for the update. My husband would like a vasectomy too, that is all, I am not pisred anymore and I do lurve you xx.
I lurve you too and I am not pisred either. Have you agreed to your husband having a vasectomy?