Last night, in my living room, I sat alone and I cried. I blubbed like a baby, big fat tears rolled down my cheeks.
It had been a fairly normal Tuesday: Kids to school, work, unhealthy lunch, work, too much coffee, kids back from school, dog walk, pretty spectacular spaghetti bolognese. The only addition was a really positive high school second term parents evening for the 11 year old.
Back to the blubbing on the sofa; I was suddenly overcome with emotion because I had a moment, a parenting rarity. The girl who makes me clutch my sides as I laugh at her ridiculous faces and sharp wit. The girl I pull close for a hug and realise that my head now rests atop hers. The girl who has no problem communicating her feelings, good or bad. The girl who is doing so well at school she’s even impressed a particular teacher who is, apparently, very difficult to impress. This beanpole of a girl with a sparkle in her eye. I just sat there in complete bewilderment as I realised that despite the blatant winging and my motherless-mother-parenting-repertoire, I had got something right.
It may be all downhill from here, mind you, although the 10 year old is shaping up rather nicely too.
And the emotion, the big fat tears, surfaced because I so wished, in that moment of happiness, that my mum was here to see her, to see the spirit and fire that lives on in the gentle soul of my daughter.
Grief is a funny old thing, I’ve always talked about how it changes constantly, lurking and hiding before ambushing in the most unlikely of places. This is one of those times…
Last night, in my living room, I sat alone and I cried.
Disclaimer : I am not claiming I am a wonderful mother, I am referring to a moment, because I know that in this journey of parenting there will be a million moments in the future where I’ll wonder how I got it so wrong. Parenting is like that, an eternal expedition of winging it and getting some things right and some things wrong and hoping that at at some point you emerge blinking into the light with successful, kind natured, feisty, funny kids who still want to spend time with you and vice versa.